how i miss my dad
My dad died in November, right before Thanksgiving. It killed me. I was in shock at first, but now I am just so sad. I start sobbing uncontrollably about once a day. The cries last for about five minutes and then perhaps if I’m in a good mood I’ll pretend I’m talking to him on the phone. I’ll thank him for all the cooking things he gave me when he passed, even though in my version he was just downsizing to an apartment and gave them to me. I’d tell him about all the meals I cooked, like the white cream veal stew. Daddy loved to cook after the divorce. He made the best steak I’ve ever tastedand I guess I’ll never have the recipe now.
It’s hard. I can’t lie. Dad shaped me in more ways than I realized before he passed. A lot of the good and a lot of the bad came from my relationship with dad. I have to thank him for my adventurous nature but also for my social anxiety. It’s okay, though. Even the crippling mindsets he bestowed upon me make me who I am, and I wouldn’t change that.
I think he’d be proud of me these days, except for the fact I’m unemployed. I think he’d love that I moved to Portland. I think he’d love that I’m happy in our cozy house with Mike and the animals. I think I’d get him a plane ticket for no reason and make him stay out here for a couple of weeks. Then I fantasize he would fall in love with the city and plan to move out here, living in our spare bedroom while he found a job and a place of his own. We’d go boating on Crater Lake and catch fish the size of our arms. At the end of the day we’d come back to the house, grill a pork loin, and sip beers as we watched the sun set.
I realize that in my daydreams, daddy does not have a drinking problem.
I wanted daddy to die happy. Not alone, not stranded. That heart attack took him away too soon and it made me want to die along with him…but I’m standing strong. I’m happy. I love life. I am learning to cherish my relationships with friend and family like I never had before. Thank you for everything daddy. I miss you.